No work makes Grace a boring girl

Well, I've finally submitted all the paperwork to quit UTM once and for all. And I realized that unlike the time when I just graduated, I no longer can sit and do nothing. I can no longer tolerate stupid movies, I can no longer tolerate games on Facebook, I can no longer tolerate having absolutely nothing to do. And I am BORED. PLAIN BORED. I am afraid that as this goes on my memory will start deteriorating and soon, I will be dumb once again. Dumb and 'blur'.

But at least I gained a hobby over the past year. Baking is a science, as they all say. And it's true.. too much of an ingredient will cause the whole thing to just fall flat (sometimes literally), and the absence of an ingredient would sometimes make it taste just flat (e.g. the absence of that tiny little 1/2 tsp of salt). I'm glad that I can bake my cake and eat it too. And get better at math while I'm at it!

But anyway, my mom was telling me that I have to get a job soon. Or just get something to do. And I agree. I no longer can do nothing. And it's a good sign! But I do need God to guide me into something that I would truly want to stick to..

In other news, I found out this morning that mom facebooked Dr. Ummul, my thesis supervisor. And at first I just read the message and thought nothing much of it.. until I got to the end which sounded something like this (in my own words):

"I will miss her visits to my office. And she would need some time for composure. Whenever she's back to her normal self, I'd be here for her.  And we will always be friends"

Honestly, at that moment, I'd rather she hated me. It would had been easier. But then, it also mean that I'd lose a really good friend. Now I regret.. not my decision, but the very fact that I had to disappoint and sadden her. It's the worst part of the whole thing.. In a sense, if she hadn't become my supervisor, this wouldn't have happened. And I would have been able to walk away easily. But then again, if she had not been my supervisor.. I think I would not be who I've become today. I owe it all to her for that. I thank God for her.

I know God has a plan for me.. He has told me again and again through His Word. And I believe Him. I trust Him. Because He has never once failed me. He has never once left me in the lurch. And I know for sure that He never will.

I finally done it

I've done it finally. I've quit my masters. It wasn't an overnight decision. I've struggled with everything concerning my masters for the longest time. And finally I just broke.. and had enough. I know the question is, "If others can do it, why can't you?" My conclusion is that I don't have a head for research. And I'm not going to go literally crazy trying to do something that I cannot do.

I know I've let people down. But what can I do? I just can't do it any longer. If it makes them feel better, put the blame on me.. take my money.. anything. Just don't make me do this. ANYMORE. People complain about their jobs.. but at least they can go to sleep not thinking about their work all the time and if it gets really bad, perhaps they can quit and not be judged.

Not a day goes by while I was doing my masters, that I don't work and think about how time is ticking. I think about it day and night, even on weekends and holidays. All I think about is how I'm going to do my masters.. and even then, I end up with nothing. And thus, because of that, people think I haven't done any work.. and that I've been goofing off all the time. That's far from the truth.. but if it makes them feel any better, let them make that conclusion about me.

There has come a time when I just want my life back. I just want myself back. I realized how much of a monster I've grown to become during this time.. all because I feel stupid for not being able to complete my masters proposal. I told God about how I want to live for Him and serve Him.. but how can I do that when I don't love the people around me, and while in church, instead of worshipping the One who matters the most to me, I can't wait to get back to my books, hoping to gain a glimpse of hope. Little did I know, He is my only Hope.

I honestly prayed about it, and told God that if it was the right decision, that the Spirit will tell me.. that He will grant me peace. And when I had decided to quit, that's when the sky was brighter, burdens were lifted off my shoulder and I experience His utmost peace. I gave it some time to see if that is to change. Nope.. even when my heart was heavy due to the friendship that was broken, I was still peaceful. I know that this is the right decision.

 It is during this time that I've found my comfort in God. That I know He is here for me. And He holds my hand. Nevermind what man thinks of me.. as long as the Lord is for me, I'll be fine. He is my Provider, my Comforter.. and yesterday while reading the bible.. I found this verse:

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never faill, for the LORD holds them by the hand" - Psalm 37:23-24

Indeed, I had stumbled. But God is here to catch me. I will get up, I will dust the sand off, and I will continue to walk this path He has called me to. Because ultimately, it's Him who truly matters. And I will keep on seeking Him and hold on to Him, now that I found Him.

A nightmare I had..

My dad has always told me about his nightmares of falling.. but I never had them. I usually dream of people. Last night though, I finally experienced it..

I couldn't really sleep last night. I was sleeping quite lightly. And suddenly, I saw this very bright light.. it was extremely bright. My heart was filled with fear... and suddenly I found myself falling. And as I was falling through the clouds at quite a rapid speed, I was getting more and more anxious.. and then I saw the Cross. The Cross was moving at a moderate speed across sky and among the clouds. I knew I had to grab hold of it.. and so I reached out. And the moment I grabbed hold on it, and my heart was filled with peace. I hugged the Cross with all my strength, never wanting to let go.. and we float steadily across the sky.. till finally the Cross brought me to safety...

It's at that point where I woke up...

In many ways, the dream reminds me of real life.. I'm constantly faced with obstacles that tries to suffocate, overwhelm and drown me.. but everytime I reach out to God, He carries me and grants me strength to go on... till I reach my destination...

Like the song goes :
"On Christ my solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand..."

I'm reminded that when everyone and everything fails.. whether the most powerful men, the mightiest kings, the strongest economy, or the most reliable of things... Jesus is and will always be the same. And His power prevails throughout all generations, till the end of times :) Knowing, loving and serving the Living God, is my greatest joy and honour of all... nothing and no one can ever take His place.

God of ALL people

I stumbled upon The 700 club website. It has been amazing.. I have watched many stories of people being saved when some were labelled "hopeless". Among them were:

-prostitutes and porn stars
- drug addicts and drug dealers
-gangsters and mafias
-murderers and criminals
-witches
-Satanists
-mediums
-gays
- Jehovah Witnesses
-Muslims
-rock stars
-Nazi soldier
- ruthless dictators
-just pure ordinary people with extraordinary encounters

And now.. they ALL live for Jesus and Jesus alone :)) How amazing is that?! Jesus loves you no matter who you are and what you have done.. nobody is "hopeless" in His eyes! Not even me! :)

http://www.cbn.com/700club/features/Amazing/

You'll be amazed :)

I am helpless, Lord
But you are the Almighty
I feel stupid, Lord
But Your wisdom is unsearchable
I am weary, Lord
But You carry me upon Your shoulders
I don't know where I'm heading, Lord
But You hold my hand tightly and guide me
I feel useless, Lord
But You can take my life and use me
I don't trust myself Lord,
But I trust You
I am fearful, Lord
But all sources of fear bow to You in reverence
I can't do this Lord,
But You can... You can...



Jesus who is the same yesterday, today and forevermore, and who was and is and is to come. He is God. He is all powerful, and King of all principalities and power... but despite my weaknesses, despite me being underachieving, despite me being.. well, just a nobody... yet He loves one such as I. More than I will ever know and comprehend. what does He see in me that makes me so precious in His sight?

I'll never stopped wondering... All I can say now is..

Thank You Lord. I love You. Ever so much.